A son turns against his mother.

My son is 21, going on 22; chronologically, that is. His father was an emotional no-show all his life, which continues to this day, even almost 19 years after our divorce. So I've spent my life trying to keep my son safe; food and shelter, safe neighborhoods, good schools. I've sacrificed, put myself through school working 3 jobs, and moved from my beloved hometown of San Diego, all to support him and provide a brighter future for ourselves. I even married a man because he was a good father to my son, despite being a lousy husband. Fortunately, I rectified that mistake by finding my true soul-mate; both a wonderful husband and a great father to my son.
Sadly, continuing to make sacrifices in my life and be a good example to my son, has apparently all been for naught.

Just when I thought he'd started to mature, and face up to his responsibilities, he runs like a coward. One minor setback in his short-term goals, and all hope is lost. What used to be a kind, albeit rambunctious child, has now grown into a lying, waste of breath; mooching off friends and family to support his habit of poor choices and perceived self-victimization. The world owed him.

How did I manage to raise such an ingrate? Who knows. I could blame myself. After all, stability was not the norm in his life. I gave him freedom of choice. Freedom to make and learn by his mistakes. Perhaps too much freedom.

I sent him to stay w/ his step dad on a business trip. He blossomed. Then returned to me in hopes of moving in the right direction. Too bad his blossom was overshadowed by apathy, chronic disdain for society, and now cowardice.

He has what I believe to be clinical depression. It runs like a black river through my family. But despite the support of family and friends (232 per his Facebook profile) he just doesn't get the picture. Solutions have been offered, time and again. But actually following through to help himself is just too much work. Why change a bad situation, when you can whine and mope about it instead? He left Monday night while I was laid up in bed in terrible pain. When I came downstairs later than evening, my son's house keys and phone were laying on a note on the counter. All it said was "I love you and I am very sorry".

Fearing the worst, I broke down. Didn't sleep, couldn't keep it together at work, and honestly thought he might have decided to end his life. I had no means to contact him. I only knew his friends by first name, and only one had an actual residence that I could go to. (no luck there)

Today, multiple tornado watches and warnings further fueled my worry, pushing the need to find him and protect him with a mother's unconditional love. The entire time spanned only 48 hrs, but believing that your only child might be tucked away in the state morgue does more to expand time than Einstein could have ever dreamed.

After much angst, a severe migraine, and calls to any and everyone I knew, I had an epiphany. I had his phone! Which meant I also had names and numbers of people to call. After hours of sending out pleas to his friends, I got a bite. An ex-girlfriend, and still friend, opened some doors for me, and I was able to hunt him down.

His aforementioned friend, called me today tell me he had been posting to his Facebook site all day. I got online, found his Facebook, and saw numerous posts by friends I had contacted. They were conveying honest concern, and urging him to let me know his status. He didn't respond to any of their pleas. His complete lack of concern was glaringly evident.

He wasn't just okay, he was gloating. Posting to his friends, and bragging about "livin' the life". I felt betrayed, duped, used, lied to and essentially thrown aside. Over the course of 15minutes, my fear and angst turned into anger. I now wanted the world to know what this seemingly 'nice young man' put his mother through. So, I wrote a post to be viewed by every last one of his 232 friends. It was full of anger, spite and accusations about character.

A long time ago I learned that when emotional, the 'send' button should wait to be pushed until the sender has simmered down a bit. I sent the draft of my post to his step-dad. Hoping he'd agree with me and green-light the post. Still waiting for it's review, I sit here stewing over allowing him to make me suffer. Why would someone be so utterly callous to the feelings of others; knowingly causing emotional pain to his parents?

Why shouldn't I post it? Does it lower me to his level? Doesn't he deserve to be viewed for what he really is? To showcase the true nature of his behavior to all that his 232 friends?

Or is forgiveness our divine responsibility? How does one forgive without enabling bad behavior?

So I wait.